There Are Enormous Reasons To Stop Being So Hard On Yourself

(lalah delia)

Self-compassion is the deepest kind of self-love that I was missing. I had very good justifications for it, too.

I wasn’t born rich and I had too much responsibility to screw up my life.  I had too many people dependent on me to be very “chill” about my life plans.  I had to create my own safety net.  And… I am just not a big fan of doing less than my best.

I didn’t know “how to fail.”  The idea of falling short in some way seemed the most horrifying and paralyzing fear.  And, I could never let it go if I made a mistake… so my hyper-vigilance became this maddening fear that kept me always on edge.

If I heard the words, “Don’t be so hard on yourself…!” from a friend, a family member, a stranger (!) another time, ugh, it annoyed me so much because people didn’t understand that it was just how I was.  

And, not-so-secretly, I thought it was a part of my greatness.

In truth, it would haunt me.  I’d lose sleep over it.  I would fall into incredible despair because I couldn’t take risks, I couldn’t “just have fun” and I definitely couldn’t be “irresponsible.”

I thought it was the price to pay to achieve things.  In essence, I was paying an enormous price and soon getting little in return to show for it.

Today’s love-filled feng shui is all about self-compassion.  If you’re not that great at forgiving yourself, or being easy on yourself, or putting yourself first… it may be the key to unlock a much happier and more truly-successful life!

“Self-compassion helps people not to add a layer of self-recrimination on top of whatever bad things happen to them. If people learn only to feel better about themselves but continue to beat themselves up when they fail or make mistakes, they will be unable to cope non-defensively with their difficulties.” Mark Leary, professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University

The motivational fortitude of self-compassion is rooted in a yearning to be healthy and maintain positive cognitions about yourself. Self-compassion allows us to be honest with ourselves and recognize our areas of weakness, without relying upon self-loathing and punishment as motivators. It allows us to see the imperfections in ourselves and the human experience and work on improvement in a pleasant, positive manner. Self-compassionate people nurture themselves so they can reach their full, true potential.

Self-compassion is comprised of three key elements as explained in Psychology Today.

Self-kindness – replacing harsh self-criticism with kinder, more gentle language.

Common humanity – acknowledgment that failing at something is part of a universal experience and is human.

Mindfulness – observing your negative emotions without focusing too much on them or, conversely, suppressing them. 

Self-compassion actually increases your motivation toward positive self-improvement.  So, all that “being hard on yourself” isn’t needed to motivate you to be better!

A study conducted at the University of California, Berkley set out to test self-compassion as a factor in motivation to improve personal weakness, test performance and moral transgressions.  As reported HERE, the self-compassionate subjects, “…reported greater motivation to make amends and avoid repeating a recent moral transgression, spent more time studying for a difficult test following an initial failure, exhibited a preference for upward social comparison after reflecting on a personal weakness and reported greater motivation to change the weakness.”

Self-compassion fosters positive attitudes and that is magnetic!!!  Researchers from Duke, Louisiana State and Wake Forest University conducted five studies testing the cognitive and emotional ways self-compassionate people handle unpleasant life events. Subjects’ reactions were measured upon recalling actual negative experiences, imagining negative experiences, comparing themselves to others doing the same task, and measuring the reactions of other subjects who were asked to have a self-compassionate attitude.

It was found that people who had higher levels of self-compassion had less negative emotional reactions to negative events – regardless of events being real or imagined. It was also discovered that self-compassionate peoples’ perception of themselves was independent of the outcomes of events. And, self-compassionate people accepted responsibility for a negative experience or event, yet buffered themselves against negative feelings about it.

Self-compassion can increase your psychological well-being, too.

In the study, “Self-Compassion and Adaptive Psychological Functioning”, researchers set out to examine the relationship between self-compassion and psychological well-being. Subjects in this two-part study were 91 undergraduate students who were given a mock interview. The measured question in this experiment was to have subjects talk about their greatest weakness, and recall a time when this had affected them. Those subjects who measured high on the self-compassion scale were less anxious and less self-conscious during the interview. The second part of the study found that increases in self-compassion occurring over a one-month interval were associated with an increase in well-being and a decrease in anxiety, self-criticism and depression.

So, if this is you… pushing yourself to a standard of perfection that is casting dark shadows on your days without much self-compassion, what do you do? 

I’ve found many kinds of healing work and therapy to handle the deeper issues… and I encourage you to explore.

Yet it’s the daily practice is what cracked the world open for me.

  • Every day, living with more gratitude and speaking it!
  • Amping up a morning routine that fills my life with energy and true self-care in action— my Buddhist practice, smoothies, vitamins, a walk, my journal practice, my time with my fur baby Bob.
  • And,using the tools of space clearing to keep my home high and light and energized!!! Whether you crack open windows for fresh air or burn your favorite aromatherapy candles, mindfully wash the dishes or artfully make your bed, it’s all in the service of living with more love everywhere you look.

xoxo!!!

Dana

P.S.: The Cash Camp is coming this Summer!

And, the FREE 3-video intro series full of wealth-building feng shui in amazing ways is coming soon!

It’s nearly an hour of exercises to clear the three biggest money blocks from your home.

!!!

You can sign to the free video series right HERE!

It’s some of my favorite wealth feng shui (!) so I can’t wait to share these with you!!!

xoxo!!!

 

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