Ideas To Break Free From Emotionally Unavailable Relationships

prove yourself to others

Today, I wanted to take a moment to talk about love, energy & your life of great value!

It was brought to my attention a few days ago- and by the time you read this I don’t know if it will still hold true- that while this blog is dedicated to feng shui, design, art and all things gorgeously wellness in my own way, I managed to rank on Google #1 for the term “emotionally unavailable.”

That is relatively hilarious. And not at all surprising. 

Tons of my prospective feng shui clients are looking for love, but they are mired in the weight of experiences where they needed to “work” to get love from someone… and to keep that love.  They have run into the “emotionally unavailable” partner and dedicated themselves to the seemingly noble task of getting them to “open up” because they see and feel the potential in them.  They are, essentially, using the tools of feng shui in an attempt to control the energy of the space and hopefully, finally, find their way in to real love that they know they can have if only they work hard enough.

It’s a no-win situation.

I can’t help people who want to do the impossible- changing someone else, likely against their own will.

What I do find myself saying over and again, ” Why do you feel you have to work for someone to love you?”

And I asked myself that question for a whole decade before I even started to tackle feng shui of spaces and helping people to shift their lives and heighten the positive energy of their environments.

I grew up in a relatively strange way.  I think in some ways we all have.  For some reason I can not fathom, my mother decided after my brutally screwed up father was out of the picture to fall madly in love with a man who hated my sister and I, hated his life, and, dare I say it, hated her, too.  This was a guy with no emotions except anger and self-entitlement. And my mother would literally drop everything in her life to cater to his every need, trying to make him happy.  When someone in the family needed my mother’s attention, he would leave because she wasn’t catering to him. She would fall into a zillion pieces, close her door and chain smoke in a panic on the phone.  She would sleep during the day to quiet her mind.  He would come back, say he loved her, and start this cycle all over again.

No matter what I could say or do as a kid, I realized I couldn’t save her from this situation.  So perhaps that’s why I am such an advocate of love that is freely given, and why I share so much of this information here and with my clients about loving the emotionally unavailable.

This is not an uncommon scenario.  But it doesn’t need to be your scenario.

My intensely beautiful, charismatic, virtuous, lovable and so talented mother was reduced to such a place of panic by someone who she couldn’t seem to be good enough for… and I am fairly sure she had her first, undetected heart attack at one point when he left in his own miserable, rage-filled huffs.

I always wanted to know why some people would get into these situations of nearly-addictive love and give away their lives to this energy vortex.

And while I have no absolute answers to why, I do know that nothing good comes of these situations.

When you get stuck in these situations…

They decimate your energy.

They steal your joy.

They poison your sense of love.

They harm your body.

They throw your world into chaos.

They create intense stress.

This is not love. 

And this can not happen without your consent. So… you can avoid it!

bagua

In feng shui, the relationship area correlates with wisdom on a dynamic diagonal in space and in life. You grow in relationship to others.  You gain wisdom from relationships. The more you are willing to learn about you and your purpose, energy and life, the deeper you can experience relationships on every level.

If you find yourself  stuck in one of these relationship patterns, you may want to seek impartial help, forming a relationship with a therapist, a group like CODA or ALANON,  or another type of counselor to help you gain the wisdom that can take you out of this spiral.

In your home, add more personal symbols and art that speaks to what true love- not love with conditions attached- feels like to you.  And create more of a sanctuary for yourself (these tips can help) so that you are taking extra good care of yourself.

Remember: You deserve love, wonderful energy and a life of creating stable bonds with people who are awesome.

xoxo Dana

 

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feng shui 101And, if you want to dive in to your own personalized feng shui in a modern, practical way, Say hello to Feng Shui 101.  Its the guide I made for you to create your own personalized feng shui at home, in the office, wherever you may be… in 8 weeks.  It’s not filled with strict rules or what you “must” do.  Its filled with information, questions, exercises and even videos and classes to help you confidently create amazing spaces with killer feng shui and live with more flow.   Learn more about the 8-week feng shui adventure & grab your copy to get started right HERE…   And, as always, please let me know what happens!

Taryn February 3, 2014 at 8:53 pm

I couldn’t help but be stuck on the sentence ” Why do you feel you have to work for someone to love you?”. It’s left me with a lot to think about. I’m not well versed in Feng Shui, but you’ve gotten me curious. Great post! 🙂

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danaclaudat February 4, 2014 at 1:15 am

Taryn, welcome & thank you. That sentence has made me think, often. And when I do, I usually find lots of freedom at the other side of it! xoxo

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Theodora February 3, 2014 at 9:18 pm

Well, I’m going to be honest and say it’s usually because of the sex, and that’s why it doesn’t make any sense or it’s so hard to explain to others. And that’s what also makes it so irrational and hard to handle, it all boils down to our instincts I suppose. I’m off to fix the rest of my house now 😉 Thanks Dana!

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danaclaudat February 4, 2014 at 1:13 am

very astute point.

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danaclaudat February 4, 2014 at 1:13 am

lemme know if you have ??? on your house 😉

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joyshree February 4, 2014 at 12:08 pm

Thanks Dana..
Your thoughts are great!

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danaclaudat February 6, 2014 at 1:39 am

xoxoxo

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Phills February 13, 2014 at 3:56 am

Omg! I’m pretty sure I helped you gain that #1 status, that is exactly the way I found your wonderful blog…by typing “emotionally unavailable” in google’s search engine after my exboyfriend broke up with me about 2 weeks ago! Too funny… I feel better that obviously I’m not alone.

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danaclaudat February 13, 2014 at 4:00 am

Nope, you are not alone! And I’m really learning cool stuff about this topic. And turning the lens back on myself. After all, if I’ve attracted these people, there’s something in me that is trying to redeem myself by turning one into an “available” person. What a waste of time, time that could be better spent having fun or helping people who want & need help 😉 So happy you are here! xx

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Sherry March 14, 2014 at 6:01 pm

But what if the relationship you are struggling with is your child.
How do you keep from asking yourself and blaming yourself for whatever part you played in creating this emotional state. Hard to walk away from an adult child whom you love with all that you are. Im very anxious to hear you thoughts
on this. Thanks. S

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danaclaudat March 15, 2014 at 2:52 am

I’ve had conversations with very astute friends with adult kids… and ultimately most of my friends in this situation decided to take resposibiity for their part and make the changes in themselves that needed to be made, working as much as possible to repair any damage they did to the relationship. The good news is that the several people I know who wholeheartedly did this managed to create better relationships all-round in their lives, as well as with their children. Good luck with this one, and seek a third party to help if you need it- a group, a therapist, a councellor- all very helpful! xxxx

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Mona Bhansali May 14, 2016 at 12:31 pm

This being stuck in unhealthy relationships with emotionally unavailable partner(s) resonates with me. I have been finding answers for this question myself. Unfortunately or not, we are taught not to take care of ourselves by example or words. And we become unavailable to our own selves. We resort to constant distraction which becomes addiction in order to not feel the pain of unavailability of self or other. And we attract similar people to bring out the awareness to love ourselves. Your post reminds me and us to shift focus from needing love or sacrificing ourselves in order to catch a glimpse of the illusion of love in these kind of relationships to being love and unconditional love, first for ourselves which overflows from us to others. And we need to be honest with our selves, feel our feelings, good or bad. Live life. These ups and downs keep us to feel alive. Thanks Dana.

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danaclaudat May 20, 2016 at 4:26 pm

yes I love how you say that “bring out the awareness to love ourselves.” Beautiful. Thank you. xoxox

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