You know, there are lots of kinds of love in this world. I love my puppy and he loves me. I love my sister much differently. I love my friends and am loved by them in another way. There are loves that endure and there are romantic loves that burn themselves out. What kind of love do you want…and how does understanding that make life a lot easier?
When I work with my clients that are looking for love, we often take a look at what love means and specifically looks like to each person. I’ve worked with people who equate love with someone you mistreat that keeps coming back, aka, love as a type of obsession. I’ve met those who look at love as a game to master, always a strategist rather than living moment to moment. There are those whose idea of love is to take care of another person and feel needed by them, and others who feel the need to “fix” the problems of others, a hybrid of this same co-dependency. Some view love as something intensely painful, and others feel that there is not true love without an ample amount of drama as well.
One of the first things I do with clients in need of a fresh perspective is to look at what they truly view as love. What has love looked like in the past? What has it felt like? What does it add to your life? Does it cost you more than you can afford energetically, emotionally or even financially? If you can be very honest about the kind of romantic love you have been living and/or dreaming about, you can start to break the cycle. Who would honestly be open to love if it was an obsessive and hell-raising event?!
We all say we want certain things, love being top on that list for many. But… how many people who say they want love are actively open to it? How many people are willing to take ownership of all the decisions they have made in the past- those no-good jerks and total sleaze bags that totally pulled the wool over your eyes AND the good ones who “bored” you so you turned them away?- and really understand that you might need something that feels and behaves much differently in your life.
While I am not a therapist or any kind of doctor of specialist I do know that if you don’t know what you are looking for- even generally- you are going to have a hard time finding it or identifying it when it shows up. Ever look for a job and say ” Oh, I’ll take anything that looks good and see what happens?” Most of you will say no. You might happen upon a job that you never considered that changes your life, but you had an idea of what was and wasn’t right for you to start, and that you could be happy having a job even if you hadn’t been in the past.
So, before you start remaking your bedroom and dressing up your “love corners” and more… ask yourself what it is that you are actually seeking when you say you want love? Are you stuck in a fantasy? Do you deserve the man or woman of your dreams? Of course you do…but do you feel it? Before you get crazy into love-seeking, check in with yourself and see if you have the basics of your life together (THIS pyramid really helps!) and a good idea of what love means to you… and what you’d like it to mean. When you know what you want to create you have a better chance of getting it done! xoxo Dana